Monumentally stupid, ridiculously unfunny and devoid of any redeeming value, Mortdecai is quite possibly the worst comedy ever made. There may be worse, but I take a great joy in not having seen them. I have, however, seen Mortdecai and it is terrible.

Four of my favorite actors: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor and Paul Bettany manage to take a horrible plot and story elements and, with great skill and dexterity, make them even worse. Not to be too harsh, but I think a good horse whipping is clearly in order.

I cannot express enough my extreme disappointment in Johny Depp. With a goofy accent, foppish eccentricities and a cowardly aspect he manages to destroy any hope of Mortdecai, his character, being engaging. He is as close to an opposite of Captain Jack Sparrow as possible. For an actor famous in his quirky roles Depp simply flopped.

Paltrow is Johanna Mortdecai, as always, beautiful, charming and clever, but even she does nothing to elevate this worst of all films. Her character is stuck in a one joke loop with Depp and her flirting with McGregor’s Police Inspector Martland is bland.

Paul Bettany is Jock, Mortdecai’s manservant and stuck in the same type of one joke loop as Paltrow: he gets shot, stabbed and run over in place of his boss over and over again to no point.  Unfortunately Jock plays the fool. The fool that gives his loyalty to Mortdecai, a cowardly, sniveling wretch who’s only positive characteristic is that he’s not too dishonest.

Perhaps this story works as a novel but it fails horribly as a movie. Far better to have been written as the Pink Panther hero: Jacques Clouseau (Peter Sellers)-heroic, but clumsy. Clouseau at least has some strong positive traits. There is no trait to Mortdecai that makes him worthy, either of Jock’s respect or Johanna’s love.

The cast and creators of this reprehensible piece of work should be turned over to Seth Rogen and James Franco for six months as punishment. The inane conversation and constant dope smoking could, at the least, do no harm. And their movie, The Interview, was watchable.

Please, I beg of you…be prepared before you see this movie. Perhaps get plastered or loaded before seeing this movie. At least have a  large bottle of stout wine by your side. This movie is so bad it deserves never to be seen sober or straight.

Rating: 0 stars out of 5