Verdict: * – – – –

First of all, there are some minor spoilers in this review. If you want to go into it completely unknowing of any plot devices, read no further!

I wanted to like this movie. Seriously, I did. The trailers looked awesome, and a couple of buddies said it was really good. So I figured it was a thinking man’s hitlist movie or something. Really good, to me, equaled great visuals and great plot!

Plus, if it wasn’t one of the signs in the back of the Bible already, it ought to be: Keanu Reeves showed some emotion! I know, I know. You don’t believe me, but in this movie he really does present a depth of emotion that astonished me. I mean, he smiled. He actually smiled! I didn’t even know he had teeth!

This movie started out pretty good. A gripping opening scene. Lots of metaphorical visuals and color. Meaningful balance of subject and placement. Everything you see in the first twenty minutes seems to mean something, so that when you see this movie twice, you are pretty sure you’ll see something different.

Then I saw Allstate’s Mayhem (Dean Winters) who played the unnecessary role of being the only American Accented member of the Russian mob and that’s where the movie sort of stopped asking me to think so hard. The movie started to follow a connect the dots pattern… and not just any connect the dots pattern; the one that looks like a snow man before you even start.

John Wick (Reeves), an emotionally vulnerable, retired ex-badass who just lost his wife (a small bit by Bridget Moynahan), gets his ass kicked old school by three Russian thugs who want his sweet ride for a quick chop shop yoink. And just to prove how ultimately small certain parts of their anatomy manly they are, they kill his puppy, given to him by his recently deceased wife.

Unfortunately, the kids work for the Russian mob… one is even the mob boss’s son… the same mob that contracted John Wick before he retired; the same mob who are now pissing their pants in fear because that weasel, loudmouthed, eff – up of a son robbed and puppy snuffed the wrong badass.

Now, me… being most certainly not a badass, I would have just called the humane society and filed a report. I’m pretty sure no one wants to yoink my Smartcar for a chop shop job. But Keanu’s a badass, so he has standards. Thus, he (probably) donated to the humane society, then went after the kid who killed his puppy with vindictive counterinsurgency that would make Navy Seals whimper.

Of course, the kids don’t care who John Wick is or that he used to be the baddest ass on the badass block. They wear shiny suits and are surrounded by bikini babes and have guns and shit. And despite all the older Russian mobsters warning them that they should be frightened, they continue to boast and brag and party their little parts of their anatomy butts off, come what may. This, of course, just makes us scream for their death sentences because weasel, loudmouthed, eff – up kids wearing shiny suits, surrounded by bikini babes need their heads rolled down a lane or two and John Wick is the man wearing the bowling shoes that’ll do it.

What I don’t like about movies like this is that it’s beyond my comprehension for a mob boss to protect his weasel, shiny suited, loudmouthed, bikini babe surrounded, gun toting eff – up of a son to the point where the boss’s entire unabbreviated empire and army of perfectly respectable mobsters is brought down, especially if he’s fully aware from the beginning John Wick can accomplish it. My first thought was,”Here! Take my weasel, loudmouthed, eff – up son for killing your puppy and leave us be!”

I know I’m in the minority on this, and I really wanted to like this movie. What I thought might be a thinking man’s hitlist movie turned out to be a rather unthinking action chain of events. And that’s cool, I like some flicks that ask you to check your thinking cap at the door… I enjoyed Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Pacific Rim, for goodness sake! But I just didn’t connect with John Wick. Keanu has some depth of emotion, I’ll give him that and want to see more of it. Unfortunately, all the other characters without exception are splashing around in the shallow end. The action was good, but man! The dialog seemed to be scrawled out on toilet paper in the bathroom of a 24/7 Shit n’ Git, and I just couldn’t connect.