Verdict: ★

First of all, this review is chock full of spoilers so if you’re really interested in watching it surprised (whispers behind hand: like that’ll happen since every scene you see coming five minutes ahead of time) then skip this review! You’ve been warned!

Okay now… I’m a monster movie buff as most of you know. And that covers, for me, everything from the old 1920’s black and white silent flicks to the likes of Cloverfield and Pacific Rim. So when a monster flick comes out, whether it’s a blockbuster or an indie, I’m willing to give it handful of popcorn and see what happens. There are movies I regret from both types… and there are movies I loved!

That said, it’s occurred to me over the years that sometimes big name actors make goofy, small beans monster flicks during their heyday because they want to do lunch in exclusive places with impressive friends and their checks from the blockbusters they just starred in aren’t quite enough to cover the tip.

I get that. And usually you see those actors starring by themselves in those goofy, small beans monster flicks because their managers didn’t catch them in time. Three of the biggest names in Hollywood were lured into this one by that tip-covering paycheck. Unfortunately, even their charisma, charm and good looks couldn’t make this movie any better than the used bar napkin its screenplay was scrawled out on.

Gremlins creator Joe Dante has made great goofy monster flicks in the past that had practical effects, blood and gore that looked like ketchup and wonderful fun stories to back it up. Not sure what happened here, but BTE told me he’s lost his magic touch. This movie had boring effects, film school caliber monster make up, blood and gore that looked like ketchup and a not-so wonderful story.

Ashley Greene (Alice from Twilight), Alexandria Daddario (San Andreas, True Detective), and Anton Yelchin (Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, Odd Thomas) head up this multiple A-lister and seem to have forgotten everything there is to know from drama school. Indeed, they act as if they’d tried reading that napkin five minutes before Dante shouted “Action!”

Max (Yelchin), a kid who works in a horror shop, is not brave enough to break up with his controlling, passive/aggressive manipulating girlfriend Evelyn (Greene) who walks all over him. He loves monsters and old black and white monster movies. She loves the environment and drinking soy. How the heck these two even met is not explained but everything she wants to do that takes away from his dreams opening his own horror shop is met with surrender and slumped shoulders as Max’s self-worth allows her to pull the strings in his life. He’s miserable and doesn’t know what to do about it.

One day, they walk into an ice cream shop against her better judgment, because lactose, but Max spends an awkward 15 seconds I’ll never get back begging and pulls her into the shop where they find Olivia (Daddario) dancing to rock music behind the counter. She’s obviously the exact antithesis of Evelyn and though you would expect sparks to shoot off between Max and Olivia in this scene as it was intended, that never happens. The two A-list actors just don’t have it in them and what could have been that “love at first sight” moment falls flat.

Instead, Evelyn goes all “future psycho-ex-girlfriend” on Olivia and ragewalks leaving Max there with his shoulders slumped and that dead look in his eye. But because the script on the napkin said so, Olivia starts to like Max. Soon however, a vague magical (see: goofy plastic) trinket shows up in the horror shop Max works for with no history behind it or explanation and as Evelyn forces Max to promise he’ll be with her forever and always, the trinket lights up and smoke comes out of it… which means poo is about to slap against a fan blade somewhere. That afternoon, Evelyn gets hit by a bus and dies.

<quick rant> Sheesh, I mean, even in Gremlins the mogwai doesn’t have an explanation, but at least there was a cryptic old Chinese man who owned the shop lending the entire thing some authenticity. This plastic trinket showed up via UPS. Effing really?? </quick rant>

Wait. Wasn’t this was a zombie flick? Where are the zombies? So far I’ve just been depressed having to watch Max be depressed because he has no self-worth and won’t break up with Evelyn. Suddenly, BAM! She’s dead. Okay, credits should roll. The popcorn was at least pleasant. I got up to hit the Eject button when Max opens his door to find Evelyn standing there as a sex-crazed zombie who has already started decomposing. After all, the aforementioned goofy plastic trinket blew smoke, so the devil must be in the details here.

Yes. You read that right. Evelyn is now a sex-crazed walking corpse. Necrophilia anyone? Ew. One thing I never thought I’d actually see is a zombie wanting sex with a human. That one was a little strong.

Burying the Ex is a zombie flick that kind of forgot about the zombie part. Evelyn doesn’t have much to do after she comes back from the dead, doesn’t even really have a hunger for human brains until the last half hour, and the movie mostly focuses on watching Max trying to keep it that way. Unfortunately, I found myself trying to encourage the movie along, much like running uphill and being fatigued at the end of it. I wanted to like it, and I wanted it to be good for the sake of the A-listers. But it just turned out to be exhausting for the most part. The A-list actors weren’t on their A-game. The script was trying to be Warm Bodies meets Superbad, but came off as warm ice cream meets plain bad. In the end, I hope these three got their tip money paychecks because this one was a waste of a good hour and a half for me.