This is actually the worst comic book movie ever made and I’ll tell you why. First, there’s not a single like-able character in the film. Not one of the principles is engaging, interesting or even once, funny. Second, there’s absolutely no attempt to make the film fun-not a single Yehaa! moment. I’m sorry, at some point there’s got to be some break in a dismal tragedy. And make no mistake, Fantastic Four is a dismal tragedy. Even the most depressing Shakespeare play has a comic break. Third, there are no surprises. The film and the characters are predictable if maybe a little more boring than you’d expect.

The dialogue is stilted, the chemistry between characters uninspired and the casting indefensible. I cannot imagine worse choices. These are some of my favorite comic book characters played with no understanding or empathy . Miles Teller is dull as Reed Richards, Kate Mara, bland as Susan Storm, Michael B. Jordan, sullen and resentful as Johnny Storm and Jamie Bell, an actor I like, is as unlike Ben Grimm, the always-loyal best friend of Reed Richards, as I can imagine. Whether this is acting or direction is debatable, but regardless it makes Fantastic Four painful to watch.

What’s even worse is the villain, Toby Kebbell. He is one of my favorite characters in both The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

In both films he’s not only a great villain but commands the screen. In Fantastic Four he’s hobbled by a really bad script and a terrible story. Of course, the original Dr. Doom, from the comic book, is lost to us after one reference to his home country, Latveria. I couldn’t even detect an accent. I’m sorry, but Dr. Doom, evil super villain and ruler of a tiny European country, is far more interesting than a slob of a computer geek with no personality. Not to be too harsh of course.

If I had set out to make the worst super hero movie ever, hired the most reviled director and a two year old to write the script I would have ended up with a better film. Pardon me, but, with little exception, main stream comic book characters we like, want to emulate and might like to get to know.

There’s not a single instant, till the last few seconds, that I enjoyed anything. There is one scene right at the end that shadows hope for the future. The special effects are cheesy, the dialogue lame and predictable and the plot unlike anything I can remember from the Fantastic Four franchise.

I would not recommend this film unless you were the last person on earth, had just enough power left for one movie, every other DVD had been destroyed and you had two hours to live. It would probably cheer you up about your impending doom. I felt more depressed after this movie than after a Chekhov play, and that’s horrible.

You don’t need to see this movie, but if you do, see it in the theater. You don’t want to be that despondent at home. Stop and grab a comedy on the way home to cheer up. That should help.

Rating: 0 out of 5 (and that’s generous)